Critical

I blogged about my feelings on concerts earlier today. I just had to get it out after I read Sare’s blog post and realized just how true it was. I’ll probably post it this weekend.

This is more of an update though. It’s just so weird to know I’m about to close a chapter of my life. I graduate in less than two months. I go to pharmacy school in five months. I’ll be living in an apartment, taking care of myself.

It’s mindblowing and nerve wrecking. I’ve built a place for myself in college right now and I don’t know if I’m ready to let it go.

Katie, Sarah, and I have been struggling a little bit, but I expected it. Sarah didn’t come back to school this semester so she lost her campus job. She still hasn’t found another one. Right now her boyfriend is paying her bills because she can’t even afford rent.

It’s annoying because I really don’t like her boyfriend either. He loves her, but I don’t think he’s in love with her.

It’s rough and I’m worried because Katie and I are graduating and leaving her. I’m going to pharmacy school and Katie’s going to grad school in Philadelphia.

Katie hasn’t changed much either. Still abrasive, still blind about how mean she can be. It isn’t new.

She’s been upset about not dating anyone  lately and it’s wearing on me. A couple of nights ago we were talking about it and she was talking about discussing the fact that she was single with her parents. She complained that she was the only single one in her circle.

I just looked at her because I’m single too and she just shrugged and said “You don’t count.”

….

It was startling. I really didn’t like that at all. Honestly though, I expected it from her at this point and it’s not surprising.

On other subjects, we’re having to sell my grandmother’s house and I’m pretty devastated that I can’t go visit one last time. It hurts and I know that it will get better, but right now it hurts.

I’m sure it colored a lot of my week, and my emotions. I feel like I’ve been pretty short with people and a little depressed this week. I just want to go home, hug my family, and eat food. It’ll be nice.

 

xoxo

J

 

Just an Explanation

Sorry it’s been a long time. Everything is insane right now. I’m not really sure how to handle anything.

My grandma died last Monday. I hadn’t seen her since the summer, but she had been sick.

Since my grandpa died when I was 5, it was just my grandma for 17 years. I’m glad she’s with him again, but dealing with them both being gone is hard. I have to remind myself that there’s nothing left for me in Georgia anymore. I feel worse for my dad, because I know it’s rough for him. It has to be.

I’m really concerned about how I’m going to handle this emotionally. I’m worried I’m not going to be able to handle it. I literally don’t know how to grieve? Like three years ago one of the girls at my church committed suicide. She was 12. I was calm the entire time that I was home, but then I got back to school and I crashed. I was a  mess and there is no other way to describe it. I had just lost my friend group.

It was awful.

Now it’s finals week and I am insanely busy. They end on Friday so I’ll be back full force, but until then, good luck to everyone who has finals.

xoxo

J

Isaiah 41:10- So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

The Divine Zero

This week has already shaped up to be insane. I had a biochemistry test and p-chem quiz on Monday and a biochemistry lab quiz and economics test on Tuesday. Thursday, I have a lab book and my short lab report in p-chem due and Friday I have my second p-chem test. Considering I miserably failed the first test, I need to do better on this one.

Fall Break is also this week, starting Friday afternoon and going until next Tuesday. I’m so excited. I’m going home and taking a much needed breather. I had to get my hair re-braided, and I have a doctor’s appointment, but other than that I’m clear. I’ll be able to sleep in my own bed and just relax. I’m so ready.

Group last week was heavy. I meant to talk about it last week, but I got distracted and honestly forgot. We talked about our testimonies, but we ran out of time, literally just before it was my turn. I don’t know what God was trying to tell me then. It was strange. Maybe it was because I never really felt like I had a testimony before? Now, I’m three and a half months self-harm free, working with the greeting team at my church and doing a little better. It’s a little easier to see that it was bad before.

I’m going to miss group this week so I can study for this test, which sucks, but I knew that would happen sooner or later.

I’m still a little worried about me. I have good days, but I’m terrified I might have depression? I’ve looked at symptoms and they fit me, very well. I don’t really have interest in the things I used to love the same way anymore, but I haven’t lost all interest? Like TV shows still make me pretty happy, but reading doesn’t like it used to and neither does writing. I’m always tired, but that could be a sleep thing. I sleep excessively when I don’t have class. I rarely eat regularly. I probably skip lunch or dinner almost every day of the week. I feel hopeless and helpless almost all of the time, and when I’m not, I feel restlessness and worthless. I have constant headaches or stomachaches. I feel empty. A lot.

It’s just really scary, and honestly, I don’t know how to handle it. How do I tell my parents that I think I’m depressed?  How do I go see a therapist when I know I’ll be moving in eight months and just have to start over? I don’t really know what to do?

I think the problem is the timing. I don’t have constant symptoms.

I might chat with someone online soon. I just need someone to listen, but also someone who doesn’t know me? My friends just don’t cut it. And honestly, after some of the comments Katie has made, I don’t feel comfortable talking to her.

For now, I’m just going to take it easy, and study for my test.

 

xoxo

J

 

Tomorrow

I’m so sorry I’ve been gone so long, but I’ve just had a lot of craziness and been busy for the past three months, but that just means I have a lot to catch you all up on, right?

So I left off in April. I was stressed over school as usual. I was cutting again. I got to see Of Mice and Men and Paramore for my 21st birthday. It was amazing.

Even though I didn’t get to meet Austin and the guys from OM&M or Paramore the shows were amazing.

My grades went well. 1 C, 2Bs, and the rest As. I felt good.

Then we went to Myrtle Beach, and I hit rock bottom. I wanted a cute shirt, and I couldn’t find one. They were all too small and I had a complete meltdown at one point. It was awful.

I found one of my mom’s replacement razor blades and started cutting with it. It was so bad. It was the worst I’ve ever been and I loved it. The razor blade was quick and effective. It gave me the blood I wanted. It gave me the cuts I wanted. I didn’t touch my wrists. I started on my thighs and now they’re full of fading crossing scars.

But now, I’m 15 days clean and determined to stay that way. I’m not really sure what jump started it.

Actually that’s a complete lie. Austin was in the hospital and I was terrified, okay? I was so scared that he was going to die on me before I got to meet him, or hug him, or tell him just how much he and Of Mice and Men mean to me.

I decided then, that I was getting clean. It was a struggle for a little while, but now I’m here. I’m clean, 15 days. I want to meet Austin more than anything.

I’m studying for the PCAT and getting ready to apply to pharmacy school for the 2016-2017 school year. I’m excited. I’m considering four schools in my area and hopefully I’ll get in somewhere.

I think that’s it for right now.

I’m going to try to get better about updating this, I promise.

Love,

J

PS- I’m dropping this song at the end. Listen to it. The acoustic version makes such a difference, just like Feels Like Forever. I can not wait to see them again.

 

“There’s always another day, another night. A bittersweet blessing in disguise. Tomorrow, we’re the authors of our lives, tomorrow.”

 

What Are You So Scared Of?

Today’s been odd. We’re almost done with classes and I should be happy. I should be excited, but instead, I am terrified. I don’t know how to calm this stress, I just feel like I’m constantly tried to live with it. Trust me, I’m not doing that well with it. The song Feels Like Forever is an extremely apt description of how I feel. My stomachaches are coming back, and I’m just constantly worrying. It’s smothering and I don’t know how I can do it again.

Obviously not well. I started cutting again and I have no desire to stop. I thought about it again before I started this post, and honestly, I will probably cut before I go to sleep tonight.

Lovely. I should care more than this, and I just can’t. I don’t. Sometimes I feel like I don’t feel anything. Then sometimes I feel everything.  I literally feel like the ocean is inside me. It’s the strangest feeling and I hate it.

I need another outlet. I need something else. I won’t make it through pharmacy school like this and I know that.

I’m going to have to pray on it, otherwise I will go insane.

I’m going to take a shower and go to bed, the earliest I’ve been this entire week. I’m going to try not to cut, but no promises.

xoxo

J

 

PS: it’s now bed time, I’m laying in the bed. I cut again. 😦