Bloodshot

Everything has been a little radio silent recently and I’m sorry for that. Honestly? It’s just been crazy busy.

I got to meet Simple Plan last month and see Andrew McMahon perform for the first time and it’s just been a month of new music and growth and good things so far.

I won tickets off the radio for Simple Plan and got to meet them. They were amazing and super nice. Not many bands manage to put me at ease so I don’t feel awkward around them, but Simple Plan did. They remind of Set It Off the way they joke around and tease each other. Three weeks later, I won tickets from the venue to see Andrew McMachon. I was stunned by how incredible and talented he was. I loved Something Corporate and Jack’s Mannequin, but his solo stuff is amazing as well. He just puts on great show.

I also got to see Star Trek. There were just so many feelings. I definitely cried about Anton. A lot. I miss him already. It sounds ridiculous, but I fell in love with that cast back in 2009. Chris, Zach, Karl, Anton, John, Zoe, and Simon are some of my favorite actors. They are like my children, I followed their careers and went to see their movies/watch their tv shows.

Losing Anton was like losing a part of my heart. The movie did him justice though and that was what I needed.

I got moved into my apartment finally and I start school next week. I can’t wait. I still have to completely get everything unpacked before we start school, but it’s really exciting to be living in a new place.

I’ll be back to update you again soon!

xoxo

J

 

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Wild Wild World

“What a wild wild world we live in,

Where money talks and trouble sells.”

It’s been a long day today. It’s been a long month since I last wrote. 

Katie and I got into another serious argument. We didn’t talk for two weeks. At the PVRIS show she drove me insane with her complaints and I snapped at her. I apologized but I didn’t mean it. 

Once again I caved. It’s not like I’ll ever have to spend an extended amount of time with her again. I won’t. It’s a breath of fresh air. 

I’m so close to 178 days clean. I’m 177 today and even though it was rough today, I never felt the urge to self harm. I’m so proud of where I’ve come from. 

Besides that, I had one of the hardest days since my grandma died and Paris was attacked. 

There was a shooting outside a venue in Orlando last night. Christina Grimmie died. At first we heard she was injured, but then she died. I wasn’t even a fan, but I cried a long time last night. It hurt my heart.  

It hurt because that could have been Fall Out Boy, it could have been Pierce the Veil, my god it could have been Austin. Just thinking about it right now makes me anxious. 

Concerts are my safe place. My wasteland, my only retreat. The place where I can forget about everything and sing at the top of my lungs with people who love those people on stage just as much as me. 

I don’t want one of my favorite life-experiences to be tainted like this. I don’t want to be scared about going to my safe space. We shouldn’t be scared. 

Don’t be scared. Live your life to its fullest. God always has a plan for us. 

“Maybe it’s time to tame the monster inside of that wild, wild world we live in.”

Wasted

Hey everyone!

A lot of things have shifted since I last posted. First of all it’s been about a month and a half. I’m sorry it’s been so long, but these past few weeks have been insanely busy everywhere.

I graduated at the beginning of the month and I’ll get my diploma mid-June, AKA I passed pchem and I’ve never been so happy. Graduation was so emotional for me, I’m not going to lie. I spent so much time worrying about graduating and dealing with physical chemistry that being done made me feel so much better.

I’m moving into my new apartment at the end of June and I’m also super excited about that. My own space for one, and I’ll be getting ready to start a new chapter of my life. I’m so ready for that.

I’m 160 days self-harm free today. I’m so close to be breaking my longest streak (178 days) and I’m so proud of myself. I’ve been better right now, I haven’t had as many urges as before either. Heartsupport has literally been that recently, support. I’m so glad I found them.

I got to see PVRIS live in Nashville as well and they were truly incredible. I love seeing them every single time. They never fail to impress me. We got to meet Lynn too and she was so nice to us. I can’t wait to see them again.

I’ll be back tomorrow for a new music Friday post. So much new music is out right now and I’ve been loving it.

xoxo

see you tomorrow

J

 

 

This is a Wasteland, My Only Retreat

It’s been a little while since I’ve written a post. I’ve just been busy trying to get everything together for graduation and pharmacy school. I also really wanted to go to all of my concerts before writing about this.

I’m still riding my concert high from Fall Out Boy last Friday. It was incredible. Two weeks before that I got to see State Champs and Neck Deep and a week before that I got to see Set It Off.

It wasn’t until that Friday night that I truly realized how much I loved going to shows.

Literally nothing compares to the feeling of singing your favorite lyrics with a sold out arena around you. Nothing.

Listening to the crowd sing the first lines of “Sugar, We’re Going Down” back to Patrick was incredible; it always is. However being able to sing your favorite songs at the top of your lungs surrounded by people you love and people who love that band as much as you is almost chilling. I got to bring my brother and sister to their first Fall Out Boy show and I’m so proud of that.

Concerts are a place where I can let go of everything for a few hours and just exist in a venue with some of my favorite songs and people.

I’ve made some amazing friends through concerts and bands and I couldn’t thank them enough. It’s connected me to more people than I could have ever imagined and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

I’ve fought through some of the worst days of my life with music by my side. I don’t like to say music saved my life, because I know more was involved besides just music, but music definitely helped me stay.

If you love a band, go see them live if you can. There’s nothing like it. I go over and over as much as I can and it never gets old.

It’s just like Pierce the Veil says: This is a wasteland, my only retreat.

 

 

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xoxo

J

All You Are is History

Maybe I should set myself to update biweekly? It’s really hard to update every single week during the school year, but next semester will be so much lighter than this one. I’m only taking 12 hours and I’m very excited.

Just hang in tight these last few crazy weeks of the semester and then I will definitely be able to keep you updated every week. Especially starting in the new year.

To catch you up on this past week and a half, I did better on my physical chemistry test, a 57, which is actually almost a C on my teacher’s grading scale. Honestly? I’m passing and that’s all I want. I will take a D and run with it.

In light of all of the events in Paris, I just wanted to say I am praying for Paris, and praying for the world. I was supposed to go to see Against the Current in Nashville, but I didn’t. I was tired from my insane week and I was anxious about everything, especially since one of the attacks was at a concert. I also wasn’t in a good head space on Friday, and I’m not really sure what triggered it. I wanted to self harm, but I was able to hold out and for that, I am proud of myself.

I have the heartsupport app, and a couple times a week, they send messages of support from people like Jake Luhrs from August Burns Red and others and it helps so much.

Monday was probably one of the best days of my life. I had already tentatively decided on see State Champs during my last post, but I was sure by Friday. I was also sure that I would be going by myself. So I started searching tumblr and twitter to see if any of my mutual friends/followers were going to my show. They weren’t, but I saw that another fan was going by herself so I tweeted her.

She is awesome and we were able to go together and hang out the entire time. I got to meet Derek, Evan, Ryan, and Tyler. They signed my “The Acoustic Things” vinyl, and Derek promised they would be back soon. I am so excited to see them again. It was amazing.

I also got to reconnect with a friend I met at my first Mayday Parade show back in May of 2013. Monday made everything else, the rest of my week, worth it.

On the sad side, I’m not really talking to  Katie, again. We hashed it out from two weeks ago (not really, I just caved again, because it really wasn’t worth it), but Friday night we were watching a movie with Sarah and there was a scene with a mom and daughter. Basically the mom was being TMI, and I said that (as did the daughter in the movie) and Katie had the nerve to tell me I didn’t know my parents.

I don’t know them because I respect their privacy? I don’t know them because I respect their right to tell me what I need to know when I need to know it? I was really pissed and she’s just acting like she didn’t say anything.

So as of right now, we haven’t talked since Friday. That’s probably not good considering we live in the same room and I spent like 75% of my time yesterday in the room with her.

I’m just over it. I can’t wait for graduation, because after that, I probably won’t talk to her anymore. I’m not going to lie. I’m not really that sad about that either. I’ll pray on it.

xoxo

J

The Acoustic Things (signed)

My signed “The Acoustic Things” vinyl.

 

Lonely Girl

Sorry about the delay. It’s been like two weeks, but my schedule has been insane. I’m planning on hopefully seeing Against the Current on Friday and then going to the Wonder Years tour next Monday. I’m super excited since State Champs has become a quick favorite of mine.

It’s been really busy with Sarah and Katie as well. I’m really worried that we won’t make it past graduation. Sometimes I don’t want to talk to either of them after I leave in May.

Sarah’s birthday was Halloween and at first we had planned to do something special, but she went to go see Aiden in Louisville which was fine. She really likes that band and I’m glad she had a chance to see them. Another friend and I were going to volunteer in Nashville so we’d planned to meet with Katie and Sarah in Nashville that afternoon.

It was clear early on that Sarah wasn’t going to make it back in time. That was okay, but Katie had made concrete plans with my friend and I and then she never showed.

I don’t know why I bother? Friendships just keep falling apart on me.

I’d planned on going to see Tonight Alive and Set It Off with Sarah, but I’m already betting that won’t happen. Oh well.

 

xoxo

J

Tomorrow

I’m so sorry I’ve been gone so long, but I’ve just had a lot of craziness and been busy for the past three months, but that just means I have a lot to catch you all up on, right?

So I left off in April. I was stressed over school as usual. I was cutting again. I got to see Of Mice and Men and Paramore for my 21st birthday. It was amazing.

Even though I didn’t get to meet Austin and the guys from OM&M or Paramore the shows were amazing.

My grades went well. 1 C, 2Bs, and the rest As. I felt good.

Then we went to Myrtle Beach, and I hit rock bottom. I wanted a cute shirt, and I couldn’t find one. They were all too small and I had a complete meltdown at one point. It was awful.

I found one of my mom’s replacement razor blades and started cutting with it. It was so bad. It was the worst I’ve ever been and I loved it. The razor blade was quick and effective. It gave me the blood I wanted. It gave me the cuts I wanted. I didn’t touch my wrists. I started on my thighs and now they’re full of fading crossing scars.

But now, I’m 15 days clean and determined to stay that way. I’m not really sure what jump started it.

Actually that’s a complete lie. Austin was in the hospital and I was terrified, okay? I was so scared that he was going to die on me before I got to meet him, or hug him, or tell him just how much he and Of Mice and Men mean to me.

I decided then, that I was getting clean. It was a struggle for a little while, but now I’m here. I’m clean, 15 days. I want to meet Austin more than anything.

I’m studying for the PCAT and getting ready to apply to pharmacy school for the 2016-2017 school year. I’m excited. I’m considering four schools in my area and hopefully I’ll get in somewhere.

I think that’s it for right now.

I’m going to try to get better about updating this, I promise.

Love,

J

PS- I’m dropping this song at the end. Listen to it. The acoustic version makes such a difference, just like Feels Like Forever. I can not wait to see them again.

 

“There’s always another day, another night. A bittersweet blessing in disguise. Tomorrow, we’re the authors of our lives, tomorrow.”