Wasted

Hey everyone!

A lot of things have shifted since I last posted. First of all it’s been about a month and a half. I’m sorry it’s been so long, but these past few weeks have been insanely busy everywhere.

I graduated at the beginning of the month and I’ll get my diploma mid-June, AKA I passed pchem and I’ve never been so happy. Graduation was so emotional for me, I’m not going to lie. I spent so much time worrying about graduating and dealing with physical chemistry that being done made me feel so much better.

I’m moving into my new apartment at the end of June and I’m also super excited about that. My own space for one, and I’ll be getting ready to start a new chapter of my life. I’m so ready for that.

I’m 160 days self-harm free today. I’m so close to be breaking my longest streak (178 days) and I’m so proud of myself. I’ve been better right now, I haven’t had as many urges as before either. Heartsupport has literally been that recently, support. I’m so glad I found them.

I got to see PVRIS live in Nashville as well and they were truly incredible. I love seeing them every single time. They never fail to impress me. We got to meet Lynn too and she was so nice to us. I can’t wait to see them again.

I’ll be back tomorrow for a new music Friday post. So much new music is out right now and I’ve been loving it.

xoxo

see you tomorrow

J

 

 

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Critical

I blogged about my feelings on concerts earlier today. I just had to get it out after I read Sare’s blog post and realized just how true it was. I’ll probably post it this weekend.

This is more of an update though. It’s just so weird to know I’m about to close a chapter of my life. I graduate in less than two months. I go to pharmacy school in five months. I’ll be living in an apartment, taking care of myself.

It’s mindblowing and nerve wrecking. I’ve built a place for myself in college right now and I don’t know if I’m ready to let it go.

Katie, Sarah, and I have been struggling a little bit, but I expected it. Sarah didn’t come back to school this semester so she lost her campus job. She still hasn’t found another one. Right now her boyfriend is paying her bills because she can’t even afford rent.

It’s annoying because I really don’t like her boyfriend either. He loves her, but I don’t think he’s in love with her.

It’s rough and I’m worried because Katie and I are graduating and leaving her. I’m going to pharmacy school and Katie’s going to grad school in Philadelphia.

Katie hasn’t changed much either. Still abrasive, still blind about how mean she can be. It isn’t new.

She’s been upset about not dating anyone  lately and it’s wearing on me. A couple of nights ago we were talking about it and she was talking about discussing the fact that she was single with her parents. She complained that she was the only single one in her circle.

I just looked at her because I’m single too and she just shrugged and said “You don’t count.”

….

It was startling. I really didn’t like that at all. Honestly though, I expected it from her at this point and it’s not surprising.

On other subjects, we’re having to sell my grandmother’s house and I’m pretty devastated that I can’t go visit one last time. It hurts and I know that it will get better, but right now it hurts.

I’m sure it colored a lot of my week, and my emotions. I feel like I’ve been pretty short with people and a little depressed this week. I just want to go home, hug my family, and eat food. It’ll be nice.

 

xoxo

J

 

Shape Up and Stand Tall

I’m back!

I’m going back to setting my phone alarm to make me write a post every Wednesday because I’ve been so busy that it keeps slipping my mind. Being busy was really good and productive though, because….

*drum roll please*

I got into all three pharmacy schools where I interviewed! I’m super excited. I’ve narrowed it down to two schools and I’m waiting to hear about scholarships, etc. before I make my decision. It’s just so freeing to know that I’ve been accepted and don’t have to worry about it.

Other than that, I’ve been working on my new years resolutions but I know I’ve been a little overwhelmed with everything. It’s getting better though. I’ve  definitely had more patience and real conversations with Sarah and Katie. Sometimes they still drive me insane, but it’s getting better.

I also have so many exciting things that are happening this semester before I graduate. I get to see Set It Off next Saturday and then State Champs/Neck Deep the Thursday after that. Then I’ve got spring break and the week after that I see Fall Out Boy. I’m so excited about everything.

As part of my resolutions, I made a rainy day box, for days that I felt triggered.

I’ve had to use it twice and it works. I’m 65 days cut free. I’m so proud of myself, because this week was so rough. I dreamed that I relapsed and it was so real that I cried for a little while when I woke up. It was one of the worst and realistic nightmares I’ve ever had and I’m so glad it was just a dream.

I want to stay clean in 2016. I’m determined to stay clean. I believe in myself. There are so many awesome things for me to look forward to.

I’m making new online/twitter friends as well and it’s amazing. Stephanie, Meredith, Sara, Abbi, Sare, Steph, and Kay have been amazing.

Kisses to all of you

 

xoxo

J

 

Middle Finger: A Look Forward for 2016

Hey everyone! Happy 2016. I hope you had a good New Year’s Day celebration and a great holidays.

Resolutions have not really been my thing, because I don’t stick to them well, but I’m trying more this year.

So my resolutions for the new year?

1. Post once a week, whether it’s music or about my life or things I love.

2. Drink more water! I’m starting at 3 cups a day and working from there.

3. Do some kind of exercise everyday.

4. Be positive.
I’m working on each of these and I’m also trying to make sure I have a routine.

The other goal is to be more patience, with Katie, with Sarah and anyone else.

My song of the year (at least so far) is Middle Finger by Bohnes (Alex Deleon).

“Living like a riot, setting off the sirens, fists are clenched I’m fighting, soul has been ignited, ain’t got time for dying, I’m too busy thriving, more than just surviving, heart is beating violent.”

Living my life like the bridge of that song.

xoxo

J

 

Living Louder: A Look Back on 2015

I named this post after one of my favorite The Cab songs. It’s the end of another year and it almost feels surreal. 

I was so excited for 2015 back in 2014. I was ready for new chapters of my life. 

“I’m excited about my spring semester and then starting my senior year. I’m ready to start getting ready for pharmacy school. I’m ready to let go of the bullshit and hang tight to the things that really matter. Music that makes my soul sing. A church that makes my heart whole. Friends that make me smile. A focus on studies that could rival a fighter pilot. Concerts, laughs, and new hope.”

I got some of these things though. I did. My spring semester was great. I relapsed but then stayed clean most of the summer. I got better at letting go of the bullshit. I fell even more in love with music. I started volunteering at my church. Friends? That’s up for debate. Studies, I found ways that worked for me.

Spring was amazing. Going to see Set It Off, then Of Mice and Men and Paramore for my birthday was probably one of the best things ever. I spent the summer learning for pharmacy school and nailed it on my PCAT. 

Then I started having issues with my friends. I lost my grandmother. It shook my family to the core. I failed physical chemistry. 

There were ups and downs, but overall, this year went well.

I laughed, I cried, I lived, I learned. 

I met new friends and reconnected with old. 

It was a good year and I’m excited to start the next. 

2016 here I come. 
xoxo

J

Easy Enough

So once again, everything has been insane and I’m sorry about the wait! I’ll have this post and then my end of the year post before the new year. I’m proud of myself, because I’ve blogged more this semester than last I feel.

Everything has been okay. My dad has had some bad days, and he really isn’t feeling Christmas right now. We bought a tree, but there aren’t even ornaments on it yet. None of us have really been in the true Christmas spirit with my grandmother gone.

Little things remind me of her. Last week I found her magnets and trinkets from when I went out of the country sitting on our fireplace. I hadn’t had a chance to give them to her. I had to hide in my room and cry so my dad didn’t see me.

This semester ended a little rough. I failed Physical Chemistry by 2.5 points so I’m not happy about that. The good thing is it didn’t tank my GPA. I’m re-taking it in the spring. I wish I wasn’t, but I have to have it to graduate. I talked to Sarah and Katie a little about it, but they just don’t understand and it really worked my nerve. I haven’t talked with them since then. Last Monday, and honestly, it feels good.

How are these girls even my friends? I honestly don’t know if I’m going to stay in contact with them after school. 

We’ll see how spring semester goes I guess. 

All You Are is History

Maybe I should set myself to update biweekly? It’s really hard to update every single week during the school year, but next semester will be so much lighter than this one. I’m only taking 12 hours and I’m very excited.

Just hang in tight these last few crazy weeks of the semester and then I will definitely be able to keep you updated every week. Especially starting in the new year.

To catch you up on this past week and a half, I did better on my physical chemistry test, a 57, which is actually almost a C on my teacher’s grading scale. Honestly? I’m passing and that’s all I want. I will take a D and run with it.

In light of all of the events in Paris, I just wanted to say I am praying for Paris, and praying for the world. I was supposed to go to see Against the Current in Nashville, but I didn’t. I was tired from my insane week and I was anxious about everything, especially since one of the attacks was at a concert. I also wasn’t in a good head space on Friday, and I’m not really sure what triggered it. I wanted to self harm, but I was able to hold out and for that, I am proud of myself.

I have the heartsupport app, and a couple times a week, they send messages of support from people like Jake Luhrs from August Burns Red and others and it helps so much.

Monday was probably one of the best days of my life. I had already tentatively decided on see State Champs during my last post, but I was sure by Friday. I was also sure that I would be going by myself. So I started searching tumblr and twitter to see if any of my mutual friends/followers were going to my show. They weren’t, but I saw that another fan was going by herself so I tweeted her.

She is awesome and we were able to go together and hang out the entire time. I got to meet Derek, Evan, Ryan, and Tyler. They signed my “The Acoustic Things” vinyl, and Derek promised they would be back soon. I am so excited to see them again. It was amazing.

I also got to reconnect with a friend I met at my first Mayday Parade show back in May of 2013. Monday made everything else, the rest of my week, worth it.

On the sad side, I’m not really talking to  Katie, again. We hashed it out from two weeks ago (not really, I just caved again, because it really wasn’t worth it), but Friday night we were watching a movie with Sarah and there was a scene with a mom and daughter. Basically the mom was being TMI, and I said that (as did the daughter in the movie) and Katie had the nerve to tell me I didn’t know my parents.

I don’t know them because I respect their privacy? I don’t know them because I respect their right to tell me what I need to know when I need to know it? I was really pissed and she’s just acting like she didn’t say anything.

So as of right now, we haven’t talked since Friday. That’s probably not good considering we live in the same room and I spent like 75% of my time yesterday in the room with her.

I’m just over it. I can’t wait for graduation, because after that, I probably won’t talk to her anymore. I’m not going to lie. I’m not really that sad about that either. I’ll pray on it.

xoxo

J

The Acoustic Things (signed)

My signed “The Acoustic Things” vinyl.