Living Louder: A Look Back on 2015

I named this post after one of my favorite The Cab songs. It’s the end of another year and it almost feels surreal. 

I was so excited for 2015 back in 2014. I was ready for new chapters of my life. 

“I’m excited about my spring semester and then starting my senior year. I’m ready to start getting ready for pharmacy school. I’m ready to let go of the bullshit and hang tight to the things that really matter. Music that makes my soul sing. A church that makes my heart whole. Friends that make me smile. A focus on studies that could rival a fighter pilot. Concerts, laughs, and new hope.”

I got some of these things though. I did. My spring semester was great. I relapsed but then stayed clean most of the summer. I got better at letting go of the bullshit. I fell even more in love with music. I started volunteering at my church. Friends? That’s up for debate. Studies, I found ways that worked for me.

Spring was amazing. Going to see Set It Off, then Of Mice and Men and Paramore for my birthday was probably one of the best things ever. I spent the summer learning for pharmacy school and nailed it on my PCAT. 

Then I started having issues with my friends. I lost my grandmother. It shook my family to the core. I failed physical chemistry. 

There were ups and downs, but overall, this year went well.

I laughed, I cried, I lived, I learned. 

I met new friends and reconnected with old. 

It was a good year and I’m excited to start the next. 

2016 here I come. 
xoxo

J

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Easy Enough

So once again, everything has been insane and I’m sorry about the wait! I’ll have this post and then my end of the year post before the new year. I’m proud of myself, because I’ve blogged more this semester than last I feel.

Everything has been okay. My dad has had some bad days, and he really isn’t feeling Christmas right now. We bought a tree, but there aren’t even ornaments on it yet. None of us have really been in the true Christmas spirit with my grandmother gone.

Little things remind me of her. Last week I found her magnets and trinkets from when I went out of the country sitting on our fireplace. I hadn’t had a chance to give them to her. I had to hide in my room and cry so my dad didn’t see me.

This semester ended a little rough. I failed Physical Chemistry by 2.5 points so I’m not happy about that. The good thing is it didn’t tank my GPA. I’m re-taking it in the spring. I wish I wasn’t, but I have to have it to graduate. I talked to Sarah and Katie a little about it, but they just don’t understand and it really worked my nerve. I haven’t talked with them since then. Last Monday, and honestly, it feels good.

How are these girls even my friends? I honestly don’t know if I’m going to stay in contact with them after school. 

We’ll see how spring semester goes I guess. 

Just an Explanation

Sorry it’s been a long time. Everything is insane right now. I’m not really sure how to handle anything.

My grandma died last Monday. I hadn’t seen her since the summer, but she had been sick.

Since my grandpa died when I was 5, it was just my grandma for 17 years. I’m glad she’s with him again, but dealing with them both being gone is hard. I have to remind myself that there’s nothing left for me in Georgia anymore. I feel worse for my dad, because I know it’s rough for him. It has to be.

I’m really concerned about how I’m going to handle this emotionally. I’m worried I’m not going to be able to handle it. I literally don’t know how to grieve? Like three years ago one of the girls at my church committed suicide. She was 12. I was calm the entire time that I was home, but then I got back to school and I crashed. I was a  mess and there is no other way to describe it. I had just lost my friend group.

It was awful.

Now it’s finals week and I am insanely busy. They end on Friday so I’ll be back full force, but until then, good luck to everyone who has finals.

xoxo

J

Isaiah 41:10- So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

All You Are is History

Maybe I should set myself to update biweekly? It’s really hard to update every single week during the school year, but next semester will be so much lighter than this one. I’m only taking 12 hours and I’m very excited.

Just hang in tight these last few crazy weeks of the semester and then I will definitely be able to keep you updated every week. Especially starting in the new year.

To catch you up on this past week and a half, I did better on my physical chemistry test, a 57, which is actually almost a C on my teacher’s grading scale. Honestly? I’m passing and that’s all I want. I will take a D and run with it.

In light of all of the events in Paris, I just wanted to say I am praying for Paris, and praying for the world. I was supposed to go to see Against the Current in Nashville, but I didn’t. I was tired from my insane week and I was anxious about everything, especially since one of the attacks was at a concert. I also wasn’t in a good head space on Friday, and I’m not really sure what triggered it. I wanted to self harm, but I was able to hold out and for that, I am proud of myself.

I have the heartsupport app, and a couple times a week, they send messages of support from people like Jake Luhrs from August Burns Red and others and it helps so much.

Monday was probably one of the best days of my life. I had already tentatively decided on see State Champs during my last post, but I was sure by Friday. I was also sure that I would be going by myself. So I started searching tumblr and twitter to see if any of my mutual friends/followers were going to my show. They weren’t, but I saw that another fan was going by herself so I tweeted her.

She is awesome and we were able to go together and hang out the entire time. I got to meet Derek, Evan, Ryan, and Tyler. They signed my “The Acoustic Things” vinyl, and Derek promised they would be back soon. I am so excited to see them again. It was amazing.

I also got to reconnect with a friend I met at my first Mayday Parade show back in May of 2013. Monday made everything else, the rest of my week, worth it.

On the sad side, I’m not really talking to  Katie, again. We hashed it out from two weeks ago (not really, I just caved again, because it really wasn’t worth it), but Friday night we were watching a movie with Sarah and there was a scene with a mom and daughter. Basically the mom was being TMI, and I said that (as did the daughter in the movie) and Katie had the nerve to tell me I didn’t know my parents.

I don’t know them because I respect their privacy? I don’t know them because I respect their right to tell me what I need to know when I need to know it? I was really pissed and she’s just acting like she didn’t say anything.

So as of right now, we haven’t talked since Friday. That’s probably not good considering we live in the same room and I spent like 75% of my time yesterday in the room with her.

I’m just over it. I can’t wait for graduation, because after that, I probably won’t talk to her anymore. I’m not going to lie. I’m not really that sad about that either. I’ll pray on it.

xoxo

J

The Acoustic Things (signed)

My signed “The Acoustic Things” vinyl.

 

Lonely Girl

Sorry about the delay. It’s been like two weeks, but my schedule has been insane. I’m planning on hopefully seeing Against the Current on Friday and then going to the Wonder Years tour next Monday. I’m super excited since State Champs has become a quick favorite of mine.

It’s been really busy with Sarah and Katie as well. I’m really worried that we won’t make it past graduation. Sometimes I don’t want to talk to either of them after I leave in May.

Sarah’s birthday was Halloween and at first we had planned to do something special, but she went to go see Aiden in Louisville which was fine. She really likes that band and I’m glad she had a chance to see them. Another friend and I were going to volunteer in Nashville so we’d planned to meet with Katie and Sarah in Nashville that afternoon.

It was clear early on that Sarah wasn’t going to make it back in time. That was okay, but Katie had made concrete plans with my friend and I and then she never showed.

I don’t know why I bother? Friendships just keep falling apart on me.

I’d planned on going to see Tonight Alive and Set It Off with Sarah, but I’m already betting that won’t happen. Oh well.

 

xoxo

J

24 Floors

This week was hectic, which is why my post is coming later in the week. It was fall break so I went home and hung out with my family. It was really nice. I missed them. I got to visit my favorite bakery from home and it just made me realize how much I miss it.

My test went alright. I passed, which is better, and I scored higher than on the last test. Progress, I guess. Physical Chemistry is so hard on its own and my teacher just makes it more difficult.

Friday after the test we went out to celebrate and several of my classmates got really drunk. It was mostly annoying, because I was pretty sober. I just don’t drink that much and with most of the boys hammered, it was not the best idea at all. I drove home on Saturday anyway and driving home hangover would suck.

I spent my long weekend at home and not really talking to Katie or Sarah. They both just really worked my nerves on Friday. There was an art show and neither of them invited me, but Sarah wanted to complain to me about Katie not showing up. It was just annoying. We’re okay now, I guess. I don’t know. I feel like it’s a delicate balancing act and friendship shouldn’t work like that. It’s stressful. On top of that, she always nags me. Like she will text me all the time asking where I am, etc. like I’m a child. I’m not. I’m grown.

I had to switch to an injection medicine for my insulin because the other medicine was killing my stomach. I don’t like needles, but I want to try something different and hopefully more effective. It’s weird and as a recovering self-harmer, it’s really weird. I’m worried that it will trigger me and that also scares me. I’m clean now, and that’s how I want to stay.

My title is one of my favorite, stay here in the this moment songs ever. When American Candy came out, I was hooked and this is one of my favorite songs on the entire album.

“Every moment’s relevant, bittersweet and delicate. Tomorrow may not come again.”

 

 

xoxo

J

PS- music Friday post will be up tonight as well!

The Divine Zero

This week has already shaped up to be insane. I had a biochemistry test and p-chem quiz on Monday and a biochemistry lab quiz and economics test on Tuesday. Thursday, I have a lab book and my short lab report in p-chem due and Friday I have my second p-chem test. Considering I miserably failed the first test, I need to do better on this one.

Fall Break is also this week, starting Friday afternoon and going until next Tuesday. I’m so excited. I’m going home and taking a much needed breather. I had to get my hair re-braided, and I have a doctor’s appointment, but other than that I’m clear. I’ll be able to sleep in my own bed and just relax. I’m so ready.

Group last week was heavy. I meant to talk about it last week, but I got distracted and honestly forgot. We talked about our testimonies, but we ran out of time, literally just before it was my turn. I don’t know what God was trying to tell me then. It was strange. Maybe it was because I never really felt like I had a testimony before? Now, I’m three and a half months self-harm free, working with the greeting team at my church and doing a little better. It’s a little easier to see that it was bad before.

I’m going to miss group this week so I can study for this test, which sucks, but I knew that would happen sooner or later.

I’m still a little worried about me. I have good days, but I’m terrified I might have depression? I’ve looked at symptoms and they fit me, very well. I don’t really have interest in the things I used to love the same way anymore, but I haven’t lost all interest? Like TV shows still make me pretty happy, but reading doesn’t like it used to and neither does writing. I’m always tired, but that could be a sleep thing. I sleep excessively when I don’t have class. I rarely eat regularly. I probably skip lunch or dinner almost every day of the week. I feel hopeless and helpless almost all of the time, and when I’m not, I feel restlessness and worthless. I have constant headaches or stomachaches. I feel empty. A lot.

It’s just really scary, and honestly, I don’t know how to handle it. How do I tell my parents that I think I’m depressed?  How do I go see a therapist when I know I’ll be moving in eight months and just have to start over? I don’t really know what to do?

I think the problem is the timing. I don’t have constant symptoms.

I might chat with someone online soon. I just need someone to listen, but also someone who doesn’t know me? My friends just don’t cut it. And honestly, after some of the comments Katie has made, I don’t feel comfortable talking to her.

For now, I’m just going to take it easy, and study for my test.

 

xoxo

J