The Divine Zero

This week has already shaped up to be insane. I had a biochemistry test and p-chem quiz on Monday and a biochemistry lab quiz and economics test on Tuesday. Thursday, I have a lab book and my short lab report in p-chem due and Friday I have my second p-chem test. Considering I miserably failed the first test, I need to do better on this one.

Fall Break is also this week, starting Friday afternoon and going until next Tuesday. I’m so excited. I’m going home and taking a much needed breather. I had to get my hair re-braided, and I have a doctor’s appointment, but other than that I’m clear. I’ll be able to sleep in my own bed and just relax. I’m so ready.

Group last week was heavy. I meant to talk about it last week, but I got distracted and honestly forgot. We talked about our testimonies, but we ran out of time, literally just before it was my turn. I don’t know what God was trying to tell me then. It was strange. Maybe it was because I never really felt like I had a testimony before? Now, I’m three and a half months self-harm free, working with the greeting team at my church and doing a little better. It’s a little easier to see that it was bad before.

I’m going to miss group this week so I can study for this test, which sucks, but I knew that would happen sooner or later.

I’m still a little worried about me. I have good days, but I’m terrified I might have depression? I’ve looked at symptoms and they fit me, very well. I don’t really have interest in the things I used to love the same way anymore, but I haven’t lost all interest? Like TV shows still make me pretty happy, but reading doesn’t like it used to and neither does writing. I’m always tired, but that could be a sleep thing. I sleep excessively when I don’t have class. I rarely eat regularly. I probably skip lunch or dinner almost every day of the week. I feel hopeless and helpless almost all of the time, and when I’m not, I feel restlessness and worthless. I have constant headaches or stomachaches. I feel empty. A lot.

It’s just really scary, and honestly, I don’t know how to handle it. How do I tell my parents that I think I’m depressed?  How do I go see a therapist when I know I’ll be moving in eight months and just have to start over? I don’t really know what to do?

I think the problem is the timing. I don’t have constant symptoms.

I might chat with someone online soon. I just need someone to listen, but also someone who doesn’t know me? My friends just don’t cut it. And honestly, after some of the comments Katie has made, I don’t feel comfortable talking to her.

For now, I’m just going to take it easy, and study for my test.

 

xoxo

J

 

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