Wasted

Hey everyone!

A lot of things have shifted since I last posted. First of all it’s been about a month and a half. I’m sorry it’s been so long, but these past few weeks have been insanely busy everywhere.

I graduated at the beginning of the month and I’ll get my diploma mid-June, AKA I passed pchem and I’ve never been so happy. Graduation was so emotional for me, I’m not going to lie. I spent so much time worrying about graduating and dealing with physical chemistry that being done made me feel so much better.

I’m moving into my new apartment at the end of June and I’m also super excited about that. My own space for one, and I’ll be getting ready to start a new chapter of my life. I’m so ready for that.

I’m 160 days self-harm free today. I’m so close to be breaking my longest streak (178 days) and I’m so proud of myself. I’ve been better right now, I haven’t had as many urges as before either. Heartsupport has literally been that recently, support. I’m so glad I found them.

I got to see PVRIS live in Nashville as well and they were truly incredible. I love seeing them every single time. They never fail to impress me. We got to meet Lynn too and she was so nice to us. I can’t wait to see them again.

I’ll be back tomorrow for a new music Friday post. So much new music is out right now and I’ve been loving it.

xoxo

see you tomorrow

J

 

 

100 Days

I’m a hundred days clean from self harm today.

 

I just feel like I need to say it again.

 

I’m a hundred days clean from self harm today.

 

I’m reeling a little bit, because this is probably the second longest I’ve been clean in two years. It’s still a struggle, it always is, but I’ve found new ways to work through it. One of those is a blue day box. It’s basically a box where you put a lot of things that make you happy. For me I have a bath melt from lush, a really cute coloring book with pencils, a jar of cute ideas of things to do, and a few other things. The best thing about it is, it works.

I also have to remind myself that every day is a new day. It gets better.

For anyone who’s struggling, just remember you can do it. It isn’t impossible.

 

xoxo,

J

Shape Up and Stand Tall

I’m back!

I’m going back to setting my phone alarm to make me write a post every Wednesday because I’ve been so busy that it keeps slipping my mind. Being busy was really good and productive though, because….

*drum roll please*

I got into all three pharmacy schools where I interviewed! I’m super excited. I’ve narrowed it down to two schools and I’m waiting to hear about scholarships, etc. before I make my decision. It’s just so freeing to know that I’ve been accepted and don’t have to worry about it.

Other than that, I’ve been working on my new years resolutions but I know I’ve been a little overwhelmed with everything. It’s getting better though. I’ve  definitely had more patience and real conversations with Sarah and Katie. Sometimes they still drive me insane, but it’s getting better.

I also have so many exciting things that are happening this semester before I graduate. I get to see Set It Off next Saturday and then State Champs/Neck Deep the Thursday after that. Then I’ve got spring break and the week after that I see Fall Out Boy. I’m so excited about everything.

As part of my resolutions, I made a rainy day box, for days that I felt triggered.

I’ve had to use it twice and it works. I’m 65 days cut free. I’m so proud of myself, because this week was so rough. I dreamed that I relapsed and it was so real that I cried for a little while when I woke up. It was one of the worst and realistic nightmares I’ve ever had and I’m so glad it was just a dream.

I want to stay clean in 2016. I’m determined to stay clean. I believe in myself. There are so many awesome things for me to look forward to.

I’m making new online/twitter friends as well and it’s amazing. Stephanie, Meredith, Sara, Abbi, Sare, Steph, and Kay have been amazing.

Kisses to all of you

 

xoxo

J

 

Gold Steps

So I’ve started class, and honestly, I’ve started like four blog posts to update you, but honestly it’s just been so busy that I’ve gotten distracted.

But senior year is going really well so far. Yes, I’m taking physical chemistry (one of the hardest chemistry courses) but I’m going to pass and I’m going to graduate.

I’ve started applying to pharmacy schools too and I’m so excited about that.

On other things, I’m now 72 days clean. I bought myself an Alex and Ani bracelet for my two month celebration after seeing that bracelets could help. Austin’s birthday is right around my three month and I really want to let him know how much seeing him and OM&M live helped me to make the decision to stay clean.

Katie and I had a fight just before school started and it escalated to a pretty severe point before I caved and reined it back in. I should have stood my ground, but I didn’t. Honestly, it wasn’t worth it, to lose this entire friendship and start where I started last year.

I’m a class mentor this semester also for the freshman coming into school. I really like it so far. The training was long and boring, but I want to feel like I could make a difference and this is it.

I’ve been sick-ish this week, but hopefully this medicine will kick in tonight.

I’m going to do better about updating this blog, I promise.

Talk to you next week!

xoxo

J

“Some times things will bend you,

But trust me you’ll be fine.

I’ve been moving mountains,

I once had to climb.

And life’s not out to get you.”

Tomorrow

I’m so sorry I’ve been gone so long, but I’ve just had a lot of craziness and been busy for the past three months, but that just means I have a lot to catch you all up on, right?

So I left off in April. I was stressed over school as usual. I was cutting again. I got to see Of Mice and Men and Paramore for my 21st birthday. It was amazing.

Even though I didn’t get to meet Austin and the guys from OM&M or Paramore the shows were amazing.

My grades went well. 1 C, 2Bs, and the rest As. I felt good.

Then we went to Myrtle Beach, and I hit rock bottom. I wanted a cute shirt, and I couldn’t find one. They were all too small and I had a complete meltdown at one point. It was awful.

I found one of my mom’s replacement razor blades and started cutting with it. It was so bad. It was the worst I’ve ever been and I loved it. The razor blade was quick and effective. It gave me the blood I wanted. It gave me the cuts I wanted. I didn’t touch my wrists. I started on my thighs and now they’re full of fading crossing scars.

But now, I’m 15 days clean and determined to stay that way. I’m not really sure what jump started it.

Actually that’s a complete lie. Austin was in the hospital and I was terrified, okay? I was so scared that he was going to die on me before I got to meet him, or hug him, or tell him just how much he and Of Mice and Men mean to me.

I decided then, that I was getting clean. It was a struggle for a little while, but now I’m here. I’m clean, 15 days. I want to meet Austin more than anything.

I’m studying for the PCAT and getting ready to apply to pharmacy school for the 2016-2017 school year. I’m excited. I’m considering four schools in my area and hopefully I’ll get in somewhere.

I think that’s it for right now.

I’m going to try to get better about updating this, I promise.

Love,

J

PS- I’m dropping this song at the end. Listen to it. The acoustic version makes such a difference, just like Feels Like Forever. I can not wait to see them again.

 

“There’s always another day, another night. A bittersweet blessing in disguise. Tomorrow, we’re the authors of our lives, tomorrow.”

 

Feels Like Forever

It’s been a wild month. I had spring break, then a couple weeks of school, then Easter weekend. I started volunteering at my church too. It’s nice. I’m part of the greeting crew so I get to talk to people basically.

School has been a little crazy. I got into my summer program for this summer which is awesome, but I can’t go to Warped for sure now. It’s heartbreaking since PTV just announced that they would play the entire summer. I’m missing them again.

I have hope though. I will see them soon.

I’m seeing Of Mice and Men in like 22 days and I can’t wait. It’s so exciting because I’ve been following them for so long. I’m trying to hopefully win VIP tickets (prays hard). So wish me best please. Austin followed me on twitter too, which was awesome!

On sad notes, I cut again.

I was 46 days clean this time.

I hadn’t cut since before my February post and I was doing good. I left my blades at home. Yesterday, I went to the store and didn’t buy any blades, pencil sharpeners, etc. I did good. And then last night it literally felt like forever was crashing down on me. Never has a song more thoroughly described my life.

So it happened and I was sad and today sucked a lot. I came back to my room at like five and crashed until almost ten.

Now I’m watching band interviews, because they make me smile.

Just send me happy thoughts please.

xoxoxo

J

 

Let Them In

I’m starting to learn that I need to calibrate a few things, both in my physical life and mentally. Like my car is almost at 150,000 miles. I probably need to get that checked out. My laptop has a crack at the top. I need to get that fixed too.

But also, my sense of time is definitely off (is it midnight already??), I need to calibrate that. My priorities are not always in line.

What’s been bothering me lately is my sense of self (for lack of better words?). Like when I talk with people (friends) and they are rude or condescending, my sensors don’t quite beep right away. It’s not until later that I realize, that hurt my feelings. It’s later when I realize that I’m still thinking about what they said to me. It’s later when I realize that it hurt me.

I don’t know how to tell Katie this. She constantly is bad talking religion and church, but claiming Christianity. She shuts me down every turn. I want to scream about it, because she is doing exactly what she blames others for doing. Taking the verses that she likes and ignoring the ones that she doesn’t.

I just pray. I can’t do anything else. I just can’t. I can not go through this friend thing again.

I pray that God will send someone into my life that wants to grow in Christ like me, that will go to church with me, that will hold me accountable. I just really don’t know how to handle this.

Sarah and I get along fine. My mom asked me who’d be in my wedding party if I got married tomorrow and I answered without a second thought, my sister and Sarah. Katie wasn’t included and not because we aren’t friends. We are. But she’s made it very clear that I’m not her best friend, so I’m not making her my top priority either.

Thanksgiving went amazingly well. My family behaved and everyone got along. My grandmother is doing better, but she’s still sick. I’m just glad she’s okay.

Finals are coming up and I’m worried sick. I haven’t cut in almost a week, but I didn’t even set my timer because I know that I will probably do it again.

I’m trying. I promise.

xoxo
J