Let Them In

I’m starting to learn that I need to calibrate a few things, both in my physical life and mentally. Like my car is almost at 150,000 miles. I probably need to get that checked out. My laptop has a crack at the top. I need to get that fixed too.

But also, my sense of time is definitely off (is it midnight already??), I need to calibrate that. My priorities are not always in line.

What’s been bothering me lately is my sense of self (for lack of better words?). Like when I talk with people (friends) and they are rude or condescending, my sensors don’t quite beep right away. It’s not until later that I realize, that hurt my feelings. It’s later when I realize that I’m still thinking about what they said to me. It’s later when I realize that it hurt me.

I don’t know how to tell Katie this. She constantly is bad talking religion and church, but claiming Christianity. She shuts me down every turn. I want to scream about it, because she is doing exactly what she blames others for doing. Taking the verses that she likes and ignoring the ones that she doesn’t.

I just pray. I can’t do anything else. I just can’t. I can not go through this friend thing again.

I pray that God will send someone into my life that wants to grow in Christ like me, that will go to church with me, that will hold me accountable. I just really don’t know how to handle this.

Sarah and I get along fine. My mom asked me who’d be in my wedding party if I got married tomorrow and I answered without a second thought, my sister and Sarah. Katie wasn’t included and not because we aren’t friends. We are. But she’s made it very clear that I’m not her best friend, so I’m not making her my top priority either.

Thanksgiving went amazingly well. My family behaved and everyone got along. My grandmother is doing better, but she’s still sick. I’m just glad she’s okay.

Finals are coming up and I’m worried sick. I haven’t cut in almost a week, but I didn’t even set my timer because I know that I will probably do it again.

I’m trying. I promise.

xoxo
J

 

What Are You So Scared Of?

Today’s been odd. We’re almost done with classes and I should be happy. I should be excited, but instead, I am terrified. I don’t know how to calm this stress, I just feel like I’m constantly tried to live with it. Trust me, I’m not doing that well with it. The song Feels Like Forever is an extremely apt description of how I feel. My stomachaches are coming back, and I’m just constantly worrying. It’s smothering and I don’t know how I can do it again.

Obviously not well. I started cutting again and I have no desire to stop. I thought about it again before I started this post, and honestly, I will probably cut before I go to sleep tonight.

Lovely. I should care more than this, and I just can’t. I don’t. Sometimes I feel like I don’t feel anything. Then sometimes I feel everything.  I literally feel like the ocean is inside me. It’s the strangest feeling and I hate it.

I need another outlet. I need something else. I won’t make it through pharmacy school like this and I know that.

I’m going to have to pray on it, otherwise I will go insane.

I’m going to take a shower and go to bed, the earliest I’ve been this entire week. I’m going to try not to cut, but no promises.

xoxo

J

 

PS: it’s now bed time, I’m laying in the bed. I cut again. 😦

The Ocean

I got really busy the past few weeks. My family came up so my sister could look at my school. She likes it and I’m excited for her. We’re four years apart so we won’t be in school together, but I’m glad she’s finding somewhere she likes.

I got to see Mayday Parade in Nashville on Wednesday and it made my day. I got to meet everyone and Tom (Tom Falcone the photographer) and Pvris, one of their opening bands. It was amazing and now I’m starting to see why I need more times like that in my life: time that I can just let loose and be free. Be happy. I’m so excited that I’ve found more bands to fall in love with. I’ve been listening to Tonight Alive and Pvris non-stop.

Pierce the Veil and Sleeping with Sirens was two nights ago and I’m still a little heartbroken that I didn’t go. I’m more pissed with myself because I should’ve just bought my ticket. I shouldn’t have waited on Katie, because I’m starting to see that she didn’t want this as much as me. Just like Wednesday. It’s okay. We’re trying to go in February, but honesty, I’m not putting too much stock in that.

It’ll be okay. There will be new albums and more touring and maybe Warped.

It’s a new thing for me to realize that I have to do things alone sometimes. I don’t always want to, but I need to. This weekend, it was just me. Katie and Sarah went home and I loved it. It was nice to just sit in my room by myself, listen to music, drive where ever, turn my music in my car up loud, and just be relaxed.

The bad is that I relapsed. Tuesday of this week I hit rock bottom. And by that I mean, I left my class at 10:30am, went back to the dorm, found the last pencil sharpener that I had and cut again. I threw 178 days down the drain. I laid in bed until almost 10pm that night and alternated between being upset, being numb, sleeping, and crying.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m not depressed enough to need help. But when it hits, it hits like a hurricane and I’m just destroyed by it. The sadness literally feels like it’s smothering me to death.

Church today was much needed. I got to really meet the ministry leaders for the first time since I started going there. It was like I belonged. I’m really glad I got a chance to do that and feel a little more at peace. I wasn’t going to find that with my friends.