Wild Wild World (part 2)

Just hours after my last post, the Orlando Pulse Club Shooting broke the news. Emotionally I was already drained, but then this news was there and I was sobbing in my bed on a Sunday morning. 

The original count as I pulled myself together was 25 people. By the time I checked my phone after Sunday school, it was 49. I wanted to cry all over again. Someone had walked into that LGBT club with the intent of killing those people.

I’d never felt fear and anger like that before. Afterwards, I got off social media for almost the entire week. It helped. I needed a breath of fresh air from all the death and sadness online. 

Then this past Sunday my world was shattered. Anton Yelchin, my Chekov, died in a freak accident at his home. I lost it; I’m not going to lie. I spent that night sobbing in my bed and the next one watching Star Trek 2009 and crying. It was tough. 

I had never even considered that he wouldn’t be here for the premiere. This was the first celebrity death that truly broke me. 

On top of that, my friends literally went radio silent when I talked to them about it. Sarah seemed confused I was so upset and Katie said she was also upset but then never sent me a message back. I was hurting and it was silent. 

I don’t know what I wanted them to do, but it was more than this. Space, I always wanted, but silence was not the answer. And our group chat went silent for days. 

I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to make friendships last. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I can’t keep dwelling on it anymore. 

I move into a new apartment in a week and start orientation in about a month and a half. I’m so excited for pharmacy school and I can’t let this bring me down from that. 

I know everything will get better. 
xoxo 

J

RIP Anton Yelchin 1989-2016

Wild Wild World

“What a wild wild world we live in,

Where money talks and trouble sells.”

It’s been a long day today. It’s been a long month since I last wrote. 

Katie and I got into another serious argument. We didn’t talk for two weeks. At the PVRIS show she drove me insane with her complaints and I snapped at her. I apologized but I didn’t mean it. 

Once again I caved. It’s not like I’ll ever have to spend an extended amount of time with her again. I won’t. It’s a breath of fresh air. 

I’m so close to 178 days clean. I’m 177 today and even though it was rough today, I never felt the urge to self harm. I’m so proud of where I’ve come from. 

Besides that, I had one of the hardest days since my grandma died and Paris was attacked. 

There was a shooting outside a venue in Orlando last night. Christina Grimmie died. At first we heard she was injured, but then she died. I wasn’t even a fan, but I cried a long time last night. It hurt my heart.  

It hurt because that could have been Fall Out Boy, it could have been Pierce the Veil, my god it could have been Austin. Just thinking about it right now makes me anxious. 

Concerts are my safe place. My wasteland, my only retreat. The place where I can forget about everything and sing at the top of my lungs with people who love those people on stage just as much as me. 

I don’t want one of my favorite life-experiences to be tainted like this. I don’t want to be scared about going to my safe space. We shouldn’t be scared. 

Don’t be scared. Live your life to its fullest. God always has a plan for us. 

“Maybe it’s time to tame the monster inside of that wild, wild world we live in.”