Hell and Back

This year has been a little rough. I lost friends and learned what it was like to be alone. I had to repeat a class. I starting cutting. I almost lost my scholarship. I let stress make me so sick I was seeing a gastroenterologist.

It also had its’ ups. I shadowed a pharmacist and decided it was definitely what I wanted to do. I saw Mayday Parade twice, and both PVRIS and Tonight Alive for the first time. I bought my first vinyl records (Fall Out Boy and PVRIS). I introduced my brother to my favorite bands and he gained some of his own.

Honestly, this year was hell. It really was, but I feel like I’m going to come out on top next year. I’m excited about my spring semester and then starting my senior year. I’m ready to start getting ready for pharmacy school. I’m ready to let go of the bullshit and hang tight to the things that really matter. Music that makes my soul sing. A church that makes my heart whole. Friends that make me smile. A focus on studies that could rival a fighter pilot. Concerts, laughs, and new hope.

I’m so excited and really for this new chapter. I’ll turn 21 in May. The new Avengers movie is coming out.

Things are going to look up. I’ll make sure of it. I haven’t cut in 33 days and I’m so proud of myself.

This is also going to be my last post in the Fall 2014 category. I’ll add a Spring 2015 next time.

xoxo until 2015
J

Let Them In

I’m starting to learn that I need to calibrate a few things, both in my physical life and mentally. Like my car is almost at 150,000 miles. I probably need to get that checked out. My laptop has a crack at the top. I need to get that fixed too.

But also, my sense of time is definitely off (is it midnight already??), I need to calibrate that. My priorities are not always in line.

What’s been bothering me lately is my sense of self (for lack of better words?). Like when I talk with people (friends) and they are rude or condescending, my sensors don’t quite beep right away. It’s not until later that I realize, that hurt my feelings. It’s later when I realize that I’m still thinking about what they said to me. It’s later when I realize that it hurt me.

I don’t know how to tell Katie this. She constantly is bad talking religion and church, but claiming Christianity. She shuts me down every turn. I want to scream about it, because she is doing exactly what she blames others for doing. Taking the verses that she likes and ignoring the ones that she doesn’t.

I just pray. I can’t do anything else. I just can’t. I can not go through this friend thing again.

I pray that God will send someone into my life that wants to grow in Christ like me, that will go to church with me, that will hold me accountable. I just really don’t know how to handle this.

Sarah and I get along fine. My mom asked me who’d be in my wedding party if I got married tomorrow and I answered without a second thought, my sister and Sarah. Katie wasn’t included and not because we aren’t friends. We are. But she’s made it very clear that I’m not her best friend, so I’m not making her my top priority either.

Thanksgiving went amazingly well. My family behaved and everyone got along. My grandmother is doing better, but she’s still sick. I’m just glad she’s okay.

Finals are coming up and I’m worried sick. I haven’t cut in almost a week, but I didn’t even set my timer because I know that I will probably do it again.

I’m trying. I promise.

xoxo
J

 

What Are You So Scared Of?

Today’s been odd. We’re almost done with classes and I should be happy. I should be excited, but instead, I am terrified. I don’t know how to calm this stress, I just feel like I’m constantly tried to live with it. Trust me, I’m not doing that well with it. The song Feels Like Forever is an extremely apt description of how I feel. My stomachaches are coming back, and I’m just constantly worrying. It’s smothering and I don’t know how I can do it again.

Obviously not well. I started cutting again and I have no desire to stop. I thought about it again before I started this post, and honestly, I will probably cut before I go to sleep tonight.

Lovely. I should care more than this, and I just can’t. I don’t. Sometimes I feel like I don’t feel anything. Then sometimes I feel everything.  I literally feel like the ocean is inside me. It’s the strangest feeling and I hate it.

I need another outlet. I need something else. I won’t make it through pharmacy school like this and I know that.

I’m going to have to pray on it, otherwise I will go insane.

I’m going to take a shower and go to bed, the earliest I’ve been this entire week. I’m going to try not to cut, but no promises.

xoxo

J

 

PS: it’s now bed time, I’m laying in the bed. I cut again. 😦

The Ocean

I got really busy the past few weeks. My family came up so my sister could look at my school. She likes it and I’m excited for her. We’re four years apart so we won’t be in school together, but I’m glad she’s finding somewhere she likes.

I got to see Mayday Parade in Nashville on Wednesday and it made my day. I got to meet everyone and Tom (Tom Falcone the photographer) and Pvris, one of their opening bands. It was amazing and now I’m starting to see why I need more times like that in my life: time that I can just let loose and be free. Be happy. I’m so excited that I’ve found more bands to fall in love with. I’ve been listening to Tonight Alive and Pvris non-stop.

Pierce the Veil and Sleeping with Sirens was two nights ago and I’m still a little heartbroken that I didn’t go. I’m more pissed with myself because I should’ve just bought my ticket. I shouldn’t have waited on Katie, because I’m starting to see that she didn’t want this as much as me. Just like Wednesday. It’s okay. We’re trying to go in February, but honesty, I’m not putting too much stock in that.

It’ll be okay. There will be new albums and more touring and maybe Warped.

It’s a new thing for me to realize that I have to do things alone sometimes. I don’t always want to, but I need to. This weekend, it was just me. Katie and Sarah went home and I loved it. It was nice to just sit in my room by myself, listen to music, drive where ever, turn my music in my car up loud, and just be relaxed.

The bad is that I relapsed. Tuesday of this week I hit rock bottom. And by that I mean, I left my class at 10:30am, went back to the dorm, found the last pencil sharpener that I had and cut again. I threw 178 days down the drain. I laid in bed until almost 10pm that night and alternated between being upset, being numb, sleeping, and crying.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m not depressed enough to need help. But when it hits, it hits like a hurricane and I’m just destroyed by it. The sadness literally feels like it’s smothering me to death.

Church today was much needed. I got to really meet the ministry leaders for the first time since I started going there. It was like I belonged. I’m really glad I got a chance to do that and feel a little more at peace. I wasn’t going to find that with my friends.

 

Bones Exposed

This weekend went well. My friends and I went to Nashville and had pancakes and went to McKay’s. I bought way too many books again, which isn’t surprising. I was little sad that there wasn’t much I wanted in the music section, but that’s okay.

I was a little more irritable this weekend, but I think it’s just my mood fluctuating. Katie did work my nerves a little and I can hear my mom telling me it wasn’t the best idea to live with her this year. She’s just intense and sometimes that comes over as bitchy. I know I wasn’t the nicest either.

It’s strange, because sometimes I am ecstatic, and then two minutes later, I’m looking at the scars on my wrist and contemplating self-harm again. I have no idea what it is.

The really good thing is that I’m 156 days cut free today. The larger the number gets, the more I tell myself I don’t want to throw that away. What scares me is that sometimes, I’m not even hurting emotionally like I was hurting before. I just want to self harm. The idea of doing it, calms me down. That’s what worries me more than anything else. I’m getting better. Church and music have done a long way to help me there.

I’ve been listening to Restoring Force by Of Mice and Men almost exclusively this week. Something about this album has really moved me and I don’t really know why. It’s just made my week a little bit better.

xoxo

J

Give Me Faith

It’s really odd when you realize that you and your friends may never see eye to eye on some of the most important things in your life.

I’m Christian. I’ve been saying it for years, but I still am not sure if I really meant it all that time. Especially my past few years.

I got clean when I started this blog, and I relapsed last week. I knew it could happen, but I’ve cleaned up again. It’s starting to show me why they call things addictions. You have to almost relearn everything all over again and it sucks.

I haven’t mentioned it to Katie (even though I live with her), because I know she will think it’s ridiculous. She says that she’s Christian, but the way that she acts would dispute that. She would argue me until we were both hoarse about Ephesians 5:22 “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.”

We talked about it today, how the word submission has gotten such a bad connotation. It’s not meant to be demeaning. God doesn’t mean it like the world has portrayed it. I realize that, but Katie is so deep on the feminism train that she shut me down (pretty viciously) when I tried to talk to her about it.

And don’t get me wrong. I’m all about equality. The wage gap is a very real thing. The violence against women is a very real thing, but the Bible is also a very very real thing, and you can’t just pick and chose what you want. She can’t just share all her favorite verses on love and mercy and disregard the rest. It’s not how it works.

I’m not saying I’m better than her. I’m just stating that I’ve started to understand this idea. The Bible is all or nothing. Jesus is all or nothing. You have to be all in.

We also talked about marriage today and I thoroughly enjoyed it.Even though I am single, and have been almost my entire life, hearing all of this about marriage makes me hopeful for the amazing, Godly man that God has chosen for me. My pastor also talked about those living together, and having any sexual contact before marriage. He said one word: Don’t.

Don’t live together before you’re married, Don’t have premarital sex. Don’t. And Sarah is doing both of those. I don’t say anything to her about it anymore, because when I did, she told me that they planned on getting married. But that’s not married.

I don’t know. Obviously no one is perfect. I’m not perfect. But I just want better for them.

I don’t know. I’m just going to pray about it. It’s all that I can do.

xoxo

J

 

Cornerstone

Sometimes you have things that are just truly God. Today was one of those things.

This week was crazy for me. I had a physics test on Monday, a lab report and lab practical on Thursday, and two tests today, a Micro test and an O-Chem test. My physics test didn’t go as well as I would like (but the class average was a 45), and I did better than the average. Even though my partner slacked off with the lab report, I did well on that and my practical.

Today was going to be the monster. I had two tests, hadn’t packed at all to go home and I was panicking. Then last night I was hit with this calm. Usually I frantically study.

This morning I got up and took my Micro test, and when my O-Chem teacher came into class, he didn’t have any tests. He hadn’t written them.

Our fall break starts today. I won’t have that test until next Wednesday. If that isn’t the definition of a college blessing I don’t know what is.