100 Days

I’m a hundred days clean from self harm today.

 

I just feel like I need to say it again.

 

I’m a hundred days clean from self harm today.

 

I’m reeling a little bit, because this is probably the second longest I’ve been clean in two years. It’s still a struggle, it always is, but I’ve found new ways to work through it. One of those is a blue day box. It’s basically a box where you put a lot of things that make you happy. For me I have a bath melt from lush, a really cute coloring book with pencils, a jar of cute ideas of things to do, and a few other things. The best thing about it is, it works.

I also have to remind myself that every day is a new day. It gets better.

For anyone who’s struggling, just remember you can do it. It isn’t impossible.

 

xoxo,

J

Advertisements

This is a Wasteland, My Only Retreat

It’s been a little while since I’ve written a post. I’ve just been busy trying to get everything together for graduation and pharmacy school. I also really wanted to go to all of my concerts before writing about this.

I’m still riding my concert high from Fall Out Boy last Friday. It was incredible. Two weeks before that I got to see State Champs and Neck Deep and a week before that I got to see Set It Off.

It wasn’t until that Friday night that I truly realized how much I loved going to shows.

Literally nothing compares to the feeling of singing your favorite lyrics with a sold out arena around you. Nothing.

Listening to the crowd sing the first lines of “Sugar, We’re Going Down” back to Patrick was incredible; it always is. However being able to sing your favorite songs at the top of your lungs surrounded by people you love and people who love that band as much as you is almost chilling. I got to bring my brother and sister to their first Fall Out Boy show and I’m so proud of that.

Concerts are a place where I can let go of everything for a few hours and just exist in a venue with some of my favorite songs and people.

I’ve made some amazing friends through concerts and bands and I couldn’t thank them enough. It’s connected me to more people than I could have ever imagined and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

I’ve fought through some of the worst days of my life with music by my side. I don’t like to say music saved my life, because I know more was involved besides just music, but music definitely helped me stay.

If you love a band, go see them live if you can. There’s nothing like it. I go over and over as much as I can and it never gets old.

It’s just like Pierce the Veil says: This is a wasteland, my only retreat.

 

 

20160319_035942000_iOS

xoxo

J

Critical

I blogged about my feelings on concerts earlier today. I just had to get it out after I read Sare’s blog post and realized just how true it was. I’ll probably post it this weekend.

This is more of an update though. It’s just so weird to know I’m about to close a chapter of my life. I graduate in less than two months. I go to pharmacy school in five months. I’ll be living in an apartment, taking care of myself.

It’s mindblowing and nerve wrecking. I’ve built a place for myself in college right now and I don’t know if I’m ready to let it go.

Katie, Sarah, and I have been struggling a little bit, but I expected it. Sarah didn’t come back to school this semester so she lost her campus job. She still hasn’t found another one. Right now her boyfriend is paying her bills because she can’t even afford rent.

It’s annoying because I really don’t like her boyfriend either. He loves her, but I don’t think he’s in love with her.

It’s rough and I’m worried because Katie and I are graduating and leaving her. I’m going to pharmacy school and Katie’s going to grad school in Philadelphia.

Katie hasn’t changed much either. Still abrasive, still blind about how mean she can be. It isn’t new.

She’s been upset about not dating anyone  lately and it’s wearing on me. A couple of nights ago we were talking about it and she was talking about discussing the fact that she was single with her parents. She complained that she was the only single one in her circle.

I just looked at her because I’m single too and she just shrugged and said “You don’t count.”

….

It was startling. I really didn’t like that at all. Honestly though, I expected it from her at this point and it’s not surprising.

On other subjects, we’re having to sell my grandmother’s house and I’m pretty devastated that I can’t go visit one last time. It hurts and I know that it will get better, but right now it hurts.

I’m sure it colored a lot of my week, and my emotions. I feel like I’ve been pretty short with people and a little depressed this week. I just want to go home, hug my family, and eat food. It’ll be nice.

 

xoxo

J

 

Shape Up and Stand Tall

I’m back!

I’m going back to setting my phone alarm to make me write a post every Wednesday because I’ve been so busy that it keeps slipping my mind. Being busy was really good and productive though, because….

*drum roll please*

I got into all three pharmacy schools where I interviewed! I’m super excited. I’ve narrowed it down to two schools and I’m waiting to hear about scholarships, etc. before I make my decision. It’s just so freeing to know that I’ve been accepted and don’t have to worry about it.

Other than that, I’ve been working on my new years resolutions but I know I’ve been a little overwhelmed with everything. It’s getting better though. I’ve  definitely had more patience and real conversations with Sarah and Katie. Sometimes they still drive me insane, but it’s getting better.

I also have so many exciting things that are happening this semester before I graduate. I get to see Set It Off next Saturday and then State Champs/Neck Deep the Thursday after that. Then I’ve got spring break and the week after that I see Fall Out Boy. I’m so excited about everything.

As part of my resolutions, I made a rainy day box, for days that I felt triggered.

I’ve had to use it twice and it works. I’m 65 days cut free. I’m so proud of myself, because this week was so rough. I dreamed that I relapsed and it was so real that I cried for a little while when I woke up. It was one of the worst and realistic nightmares I’ve ever had and I’m so glad it was just a dream.

I want to stay clean in 2016. I’m determined to stay clean. I believe in myself. There are so many awesome things for me to look forward to.

I’m making new online/twitter friends as well and it’s amazing. Stephanie, Meredith, Sara, Abbi, Sare, Steph, and Kay have been amazing.

Kisses to all of you

 

xoxo

J

 

Middle Finger: A Look Forward for 2016

Hey everyone! Happy 2016. I hope you had a good New Year’s Day celebration and a great holidays.

Resolutions have not really been my thing, because I don’t stick to them well, but I’m trying more this year.

So my resolutions for the new year?

1. Post once a week, whether it’s music or about my life or things I love.

2. Drink more water! I’m starting at 3 cups a day and working from there.

3. Do some kind of exercise everyday.

4. Be positive.
I’m working on each of these and I’m also trying to make sure I have a routine.

The other goal is to be more patience, with Katie, with Sarah and anyone else.

My song of the year (at least so far) is Middle Finger by Bohnes (Alex Deleon).

“Living like a riot, setting off the sirens, fists are clenched I’m fighting, soul has been ignited, ain’t got time for dying, I’m too busy thriving, more than just surviving, heart is beating violent.”

Living my life like the bridge of that song.

xoxo

J