Boom

These past few weeks have been insane. I had my first Physical Chemistry test and I failed miserably, but the day after I took my PCAT and did well. That was all that mattered. I’m almost done applying for pharmacy school which is good.

Other than that, school is doing okay. I have a lot of responsibilities on top of classes, but it doesn’t add up to that much. 15 hours, service hours, club officer, and peer mentor. Usually I’m just busy, and my weekends are so nice that I just want to lay down and sleep all day. (or lay down and watch Scandal for hours)

I love that show and Shonda. She’s incredible and talented and I’m insanely proud of her.

Other than that, my friends have been train wrecks recently. It’s been a mess. We still occasionally drink together, but I stand by my earlier statement. I have zero desire to get drunk with them or go out drinking with them anymore.

Saturday was a wreck too. Kate was so grumpy on Friday night that I thought Sarah and I were going to lose it. Then on Saturday we had some campus stuff and Kate and Sarah got into it bad.

Basically Sarah wanted to go to an art show in the city, but by time we got done, it was going to be too late to get there. Sarah’s plan was to just cruise around and find something else to do. I  had already said that I wasn’t going to go, because I had to finish grading papers. I was there when they were discussing it and Kate got really upset about Sarah’s plan for some reason. She told us that she didn’t like not having a plan because she thought she would get bullied into doing something she didn’t want to do.

Honestly, as true as that is, it hurt that she would still think that about us. Us. Her friends. Hell, me. The girl who got stuck in a car with people she didn’t know that well, twice freshman and sophomore year. Me, the girl who had my first panic attack in a dark laser tag room with people that weren’t my friends. Me. Us. Her friends. It hurt.

And on top of all of that, Kate has taunted and teased me about wanting to have a plan before. It really upset me, and I know it pissed Sarah off a lot.

Sarah just left. Now Kate’s sitting there like “Oh, I think that Sarah is made at me.” Yes. She is. You made her feel like she was a terrible person. I felt like a terrible person. And Kate’s sitting here like she didn’t do anything wrong.

Now it’s Monday and Sarah is still not trying to hang out with her, and by extension, me. It sucks.

Constantly, I wonder why I’m friends with these people.

 

It is what it is now. Enjoy this banger of a song from Simple Plan. On Wednesday, I’ll be 100 days clean.

xoxox

J

 

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Throne

I think I’m going to just set an alarm to remind myself to write a post per week. I have a couple music ones as well. I’d started a music Tuesday, but they’ve moved the release date for CDs and stuff to Fridays now so I’m moving my reviews, etc. to Friday too. I’m really excited because there are some amazing albums coming out and then some that have been out that I want to talk about. I’ll do some of my favorites as well. It’s kind of like a getting to know me thing for you.

Classes are going well. Yes it’s a lot of work, but I have so much written in my planner that I’m not too terribly worried. I’m also starting to go to a small group from my church this week and I am worried about that. I pray that it will go well.

The main thing I really wanted to write about was Friday. It was a really shaky day and I’ve spent most of my long weekend thinking about it.

On my way to my 8am class, I was walking past our library and I saw a razor blade just laying on the sidewalk. For a very scary second, I thought about picking it up. I know that would be bad. I know if I had I wouldn’t be 77 days clean right now. When you have to go through the effort of finding a blade, it slows you down. For me, it slows me down enough to think about everything rationally, because I live in a dorm. I’d have to drive somewhere to buy a blade. Or mess up one of my actual razors. Neither of those are ever ideal for me.

So not having any blades significantly lessens my chances of cutting. Seeing that one nearly stopped me in my tracks, but I had to keep going. I had to act like I wasn’t trembling like a leaf in my first class.

It just shook me. A lot. I listened to Gold Steps on repeat and it helped a lot.

Then Sarah had a housewarming party, Friday night and it got really weird. I didn’t drink a lot because Sarah’s roommate’s friends made me uncomfortable so I knew I was going home.

Katie brags about holding her liquor, but she really was the one who asked me to go home. She didn’t get sick but she did get drunk. It was just all around bad. The topics of conversation kept circling around sexual things, which was just not my cup of tea obviously.

I was glad to go home.

It was just weird and I don’t want to repeat that again.

I also don’t want to get drunk with Sarah and Kate or be around them drunk now either.

I feel like that’s not something you say about people who are supposed to be your best friends, but it’s honest. I understand every one isn’t perfect but this was really- just bad.

It’ll be okay.

xoxo

J

“You can throw me to the wolves. Tomorrow I will come back leader of the whole pack.”

 

 

Gold Steps

So I’ve started class, and honestly, I’ve started like four blog posts to update you, but honestly it’s just been so busy that I’ve gotten distracted.

But senior year is going really well so far. Yes, I’m taking physical chemistry (one of the hardest chemistry courses) but I’m going to pass and I’m going to graduate.

I’ve started applying to pharmacy schools too and I’m so excited about that.

On other things, I’m now 72 days clean. I bought myself an Alex and Ani bracelet for my two month celebration after seeing that bracelets could help. Austin’s birthday is right around my three month and I really want to let him know how much seeing him and OM&M live helped me to make the decision to stay clean.

Katie and I had a fight just before school started and it escalated to a pretty severe point before I caved and reined it back in. I should have stood my ground, but I didn’t. Honestly, it wasn’t worth it, to lose this entire friendship and start where I started last year.

I’m a class mentor this semester also for the freshman coming into school. I really like it so far. The training was long and boring, but I want to feel like I could make a difference and this is it.

I’ve been sick-ish this week, but hopefully this medicine will kick in tonight.

I’m going to do better about updating this blog, I promise.

Talk to you next week!

xoxo

J

“Some times things will bend you,

But trust me you’ll be fine.

I’ve been moving mountains,

I once had to climb.

And life’s not out to get you.”