What Are You So Scared Of?

Today’s been odd. We’re almost done with classes and I should be happy. I should be excited, but instead, I am terrified. I don’t know how to calm this stress, I just feel like I’m constantly tried to live with it. Trust me, I’m not doing that well with it. The song Feels Like Forever is an extremely apt description of how I feel. My stomachaches are coming back, and I’m just constantly worrying. It’s smothering and I don’t know how I can do it again.

Obviously not well. I started cutting again and I have no desire to stop. I thought about it again before I started this post, and honestly, I will probably cut before I go to sleep tonight.

Lovely. I should care more than this, and I just can’t. I don’t. Sometimes I feel like I don’t feel anything. Then sometimes I feel everything.  I literally feel like the ocean is inside me. It’s the strangest feeling and I hate it.

I need another outlet. I need something else. I won’t make it through pharmacy school like this and I know that.

I’m going to have to pray on it, otherwise I will go insane.

I’m going to take a shower and go to bed, the earliest I’ve been this entire week. I’m going to try not to cut, but no promises.

xoxo

J

 

PS: it’s now bed time, I’m laying in the bed. I cut again. 😦

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