Wild Wild World (part 2)

Just hours after my last post, the Orlando Pulse Club Shooting broke the news. Emotionally I was already drained, but then this news was there and I was sobbing in my bed on a Sunday morning. 

The original count as I pulled myself together was 25 people. By the time I checked my phone after Sunday school, it was 49. I wanted to cry all over again. Someone had walked into that LGBT club with the intent of killing those people.

I’d never felt fear and anger like that before. Afterwards, I got off social media for almost the entire week. It helped. I needed a breath of fresh air from all the death and sadness online. 

Then this past Sunday my world was shattered. Anton Yelchin, my Chekov, died in a freak accident at his home. I lost it; I’m not going to lie. I spent that night sobbing in my bed and the next one watching Star Trek 2009 and crying. It was tough. 

I had never even considered that he wouldn’t be here for the premiere. This was the first celebrity death that truly broke me. 

On top of that, my friends literally went radio silent when I talked to them about it. Sarah seemed confused I was so upset and Katie said she was also upset but then never sent me a message back. I was hurting and it was silent. 

I don’t know what I wanted them to do, but it was more than this. Space, I always wanted, but silence was not the answer. And our group chat went silent for days. 

I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to make friendships last. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I can’t keep dwelling on it anymore. 

I move into a new apartment in a week and start orientation in about a month and a half. I’m so excited for pharmacy school and I can’t let this bring me down from that. 

I know everything will get better. 
xoxo 

J

RIP Anton Yelchin 1989-2016

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Just an Explanation

Sorry it’s been a long time. Everything is insane right now. I’m not really sure how to handle anything.

My grandma died last Monday. I hadn’t seen her since the summer, but she had been sick.

Since my grandpa died when I was 5, it was just my grandma for 17 years. I’m glad she’s with him again, but dealing with them both being gone is hard. I have to remind myself that there’s nothing left for me in Georgia anymore. I feel worse for my dad, because I know it’s rough for him. It has to be.

I’m really concerned about how I’m going to handle this emotionally. I’m worried I’m not going to be able to handle it. I literally don’t know how to grieve? Like three years ago one of the girls at my church committed suicide. She was 12. I was calm the entire time that I was home, but then I got back to school and I crashed. I was a  mess and there is no other way to describe it. I had just lost my friend group.

It was awful.

Now it’s finals week and I am insanely busy. They end on Friday so I’ll be back full force, but until then, good luck to everyone who has finals.

xoxo

J

Isaiah 41:10- So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.