Hey everyone!

A lot of things have shifted since I last posted. First of all it’s been about a month and a half. I’m sorry it’s been so long, but these past few weeks have been insanely busy everywhere.

I graduated at the beginning of the month and I’ll get my diploma mid-June, AKA I passed pchem and I’ve never been so happy. Graduation was so emotional for me, I’m not going to lie. I spent so much time worrying about graduating and dealing with physical chemistry that being done made me feel so much better.

I’m moving into my new apartment at the end of June and I’m also super excited about that. My own space for one, and I’ll be getting ready to start a new chapter of my life. I’m so ready for that.

I’m 160 days self-harm free today. I’m so close to be breaking my longest streak (178 days) and I’m so proud of myself. I’ve been better right now, I haven’t had as many urges as before either. Heartsupport has literally been that recently, support. I’m so glad I found them.

I got to see PVRIS live in Nashville as well and they were truly incredible. I love seeing them every single time. They never fail to impress me. We got to meet Lynn too and she was so nice to us. I can’t wait to see them again.

I’ll be back tomorrow for a new music Friday post. So much new music is out right now and I’ve been loving it.


see you tomorrow





Let Them In

I’m starting to learn that I need to calibrate a few things, both in my physical life and mentally. Like my car is almost at 150,000 miles. I probably need to get that checked out. My laptop has a crack at the top. I need to get that fixed too.

But also, my sense of time is definitely off (is it midnight already??), I need to calibrate that. My priorities are not always in line.

What’s been bothering me lately is my sense of self (for lack of better words?). Like when I talk with people (friends) and they are rude or condescending, my sensors don’t quite beep right away. It’s not until later that I realize, that hurt my feelings. It’s later when I realize that I’m still thinking about what they said to me. It’s later when I realize that it hurt me.

I don’t know how to tell Katie this. She constantly is bad talking religion and church, but claiming Christianity. She shuts me down every turn. I want to scream about it, because she is doing exactly what she blames others for doing. Taking the verses that she likes and ignoring the ones that she doesn’t.

I just pray. I can’t do anything else. I just can’t. I can not go through this friend thing again.

I pray that God will send someone into my life that wants to grow in Christ like me, that will go to church with me, that will hold me accountable. I just really don’t know how to handle this.

Sarah and I get along fine. My mom asked me who’d be in my wedding party if I got married tomorrow and I answered without a second thought, my sister and Sarah. Katie wasn’t included and not because we aren’t friends. We are. But she’s made it very clear that I’m not her best friend, so I’m not making her my top priority either.

Thanksgiving went amazingly well. My family behaved and everyone got along. My grandmother is doing better, but she’s still sick. I’m just glad she’s okay.

Finals are coming up and I’m worried sick. I haven’t cut in almost a week, but I didn’t even set my timer because I know that I will probably do it again.

I’m trying. I promise.



The Ocean

I got really busy the past few weeks. My family came up so my sister could look at my school. She likes it and I’m excited for her. We’re four years apart so we won’t be in school together, but I’m glad she’s finding somewhere she likes.

I got to see Mayday Parade in Nashville on Wednesday and it made my day. I got to meet everyone and Tom (Tom Falcone the photographer) and Pvris, one of their opening bands. It was amazing and now I’m starting to see why I need more times like that in my life: time that I can just let loose and be free. Be happy. I’m so excited that I’ve found more bands to fall in love with. I’ve been listening to Tonight Alive and Pvris non-stop.

Pierce the Veil and Sleeping with Sirens was two nights ago and I’m still a little heartbroken that I didn’t go. I’m more pissed with myself because I should’ve just bought my ticket. I shouldn’t have waited on Katie, because I’m starting to see that she didn’t want this as much as me. Just like Wednesday. It’s okay. We’re trying to go in February, but honesty, I’m not putting too much stock in that.

It’ll be okay. There will be new albums and more touring and maybe Warped.

It’s a new thing for me to realize that I have to do things alone sometimes. I don’t always want to, but I need to. This weekend, it was just me. Katie and Sarah went home and I loved it. It was nice to just sit in my room by myself, listen to music, drive where ever, turn my music in my car up loud, and just be relaxed.

The bad is that I relapsed. Tuesday of this week I hit rock bottom. And by that I mean, I left my class at 10:30am, went back to the dorm, found the last pencil sharpener that I had and cut again. I threw 178 days down the drain. I laid in bed until almost 10pm that night and alternated between being upset, being numb, sleeping, and crying.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m not depressed enough to need help. But when it hits, it hits like a hurricane and I’m just destroyed by it. The sadness literally feels like it’s smothering me to death.

Church today was much needed. I got to really meet the ministry leaders for the first time since I started going there. It was like I belonged. I’m really glad I got a chance to do that and feel a little more at peace. I wasn’t going to find that with my friends.