100 Days

I’m a hundred days clean from self harm today.


I just feel like I need to say it again.


I’m a hundred days clean from self harm today.


I’m reeling a little bit, because this is probably the second longest I’ve been clean in two years. It’s still a struggle, it always is, but I’ve found new ways to work through it. One of those is a blue day box. It’s basically a box where you put a lot of things that make you happy. For me I have a bath melt from lush, a really cute coloring book with pencils, a jar of cute ideas of things to do, and a few other things. The best thing about it is, it works.

I also have to remind myself that every day is a new day. It gets better.

For anyone who’s struggling, just remember you can do it. It isn’t impossible.





This is a Wasteland, My Only Retreat

It’s been a little while since I’ve written a post. I’ve just been busy trying to get everything together for graduation and pharmacy school. I also really wanted to go to all of my concerts before writing about this.

I’m still riding my concert high from Fall Out Boy last Friday. It was incredible. Two weeks before that I got to see State Champs and Neck Deep and a week before that I got to see Set It Off.

It wasn’t until that Friday night that I truly realized how much I loved going to shows.

Literally nothing compares to the feeling of singing your favorite lyrics with a sold out arena around you. Nothing.

Listening to the crowd sing the first lines of “Sugar, We’re Going Down” back to Patrick was incredible; it always is. However being able to sing your favorite songs at the top of your lungs surrounded by people you love and people who love that band as much as you is almost chilling. I got to bring my brother and sister to their first Fall Out Boy show and I’m so proud of that.

Concerts are a place where I can let go of everything for a few hours and just exist in a venue with some of my favorite songs and people.

I’ve made some amazing friends through concerts and bands and I couldn’t thank them enough. It’s connected me to more people than I could have ever imagined and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

I’ve fought through some of the worst days of my life with music by my side. I don’t like to say music saved my life, because I know more was involved besides just music, but music definitely helped me stay.

If you love a band, go see them live if you can. There’s nothing like it. I go over and over as much as I can and it never gets old.

It’s just like Pierce the Veil says: This is a wasteland, my only retreat.






New Music Friday

I’m starting this post early because I have so many songs I want to talk about today.

It’s been a little while since I posted a music Friday but with all of the new material coming out I had to talk about it.

These aren’t in any particular order, just how ever I could remember them.

1. Set It Off

Set It Off release Uncontainable last Friday and I fell in love so fast. Obviously since I just saw them a month ago in still high in my Set It Off feels but this song is incredible.

Favorite Lyric: Some day, they’ll say the throne was made for you.

2. The Summer Set

The Summer Set’s new album Stories for Monday comes out next Friday and I’m very excited. I love the singles that have been released so far. They sound incredible and like The Summer Set is evolving.


Figure Me Out

Favorite Lyric: “I’m a bit too pop for the punk kids, but I’m too punk for the pop kids”


Missin’ You

Favorite Lyric: “You can keep my sweater, don’t think I every want it back./ You let the stitches fray, now it don’t feel the same.”


Jean Jacket

Favorite Lyric: “And I was falling in love, while you were fighting the weekend.”


3. Fix by Chris Lane

I will always go back to country music. I love the story it tells and I also really like the new direction that the genre is taking right now. I understand the difference between pop and country, but I like the new sound that songs have.

Fix is one of those new sounding songs.

Favorite Lyric: “I’ll be your smooth ride, that late night, that Walter White high.”


4. Texas is Forever by Pierce the Veil

So let me start with a little squeal. I love PTV and I am insanely excited that they have announced their new album (Misadventures) and the release date (May 13th). I can’t wait to listen to it and smile about hearing my old time favorites again.

Favorite Lyric: “Misguided by darkness and lost on the road, but I’m such a sucker for the rain.”


I hope every one enjoys these songs! Let me know what you think.





I blogged about my feelings on concerts earlier today. I just had to get it out after I read Sare’s blog post and realized just how true it was. I’ll probably post it this weekend.

This is more of an update though. It’s just so weird to know I’m about to close a chapter of my life. I graduate in less than two months. I go to pharmacy school in five months. I’ll be living in an apartment, taking care of myself.

It’s mindblowing and nerve wrecking. I’ve built a place for myself in college right now and I don’t know if I’m ready to let it go.

Katie, Sarah, and I have been struggling a little bit, but I expected it. Sarah didn’t come back to school this semester so she lost her campus job. She still hasn’t found another one. Right now her boyfriend is paying her bills because she can’t even afford rent.

It’s annoying because I really don’t like her boyfriend either. He loves her, but I don’t think he’s in love with her.

It’s rough and I’m worried because Katie and I are graduating and leaving her. I’m going to pharmacy school and Katie’s going to grad school in Philadelphia.

Katie hasn’t changed much either. Still abrasive, still blind about how mean she can be. It isn’t new.

She’s been upset about not dating anyone  lately and it’s wearing on me. A couple of nights ago we were talking about it and she was talking about discussing the fact that she was single with her parents. She complained that she was the only single one in her circle.

I just looked at her because I’m single too and she just shrugged and said “You don’t count.”


It was startling. I really didn’t like that at all. Honestly though, I expected it from her at this point and it’s not surprising.

On other subjects, we’re having to sell my grandmother’s house and I’m pretty devastated that I can’t go visit one last time. It hurts and I know that it will get better, but right now it hurts.

I’m sure it colored a lot of my week, and my emotions. I feel like I’ve been pretty short with people and a little depressed this week. I just want to go home, hug my family, and eat food. It’ll be nice.





Shape Up and Stand Tall

I’m back!

I’m going back to setting my phone alarm to make me write a post every Wednesday because I’ve been so busy that it keeps slipping my mind. Being busy was really good and productive though, because….

*drum roll please*

I got into all three pharmacy schools where I interviewed! I’m super excited. I’ve narrowed it down to two schools and I’m waiting to hear about scholarships, etc. before I make my decision. It’s just so freeing to know that I’ve been accepted and don’t have to worry about it.

Other than that, I’ve been working on my new years resolutions but I know I’ve been a little overwhelmed with everything. It’s getting better though. I’ve  definitely had more patience and real conversations with Sarah and Katie. Sometimes they still drive me insane, but it’s getting better.

I also have so many exciting things that are happening this semester before I graduate. I get to see Set It Off next Saturday and then State Champs/Neck Deep the Thursday after that. Then I’ve got spring break and the week after that I see Fall Out Boy. I’m so excited about everything.

As part of my resolutions, I made a rainy day box, for days that I felt triggered.

I’ve had to use it twice and it works. I’m 65 days cut free. I’m so proud of myself, because this week was so rough. I dreamed that I relapsed and it was so real that I cried for a little while when I woke up. It was one of the worst and realistic nightmares I’ve ever had and I’m so glad it was just a dream.

I want to stay clean in 2016. I’m determined to stay clean. I believe in myself. There are so many awesome things for me to look forward to.

I’m making new online/twitter friends as well and it’s amazing. Stephanie, Meredith, Sara, Abbi, Sare, Steph, and Kay have been amazing.

Kisses to all of you





Middle Finger: A Look Forward for 2016

Hey everyone! Happy 2016. I hope you had a good New Year’s Day celebration and a great holidays.

Resolutions have not really been my thing, because I don’t stick to them well, but I’m trying more this year.

So my resolutions for the new year?

1. Post once a week, whether it’s music or about my life or things I love.

2. Drink more water! I’m starting at 3 cups a day and working from there.

3. Do some kind of exercise everyday.

4. Be positive.
I’m working on each of these and I’m also trying to make sure I have a routine.

The other goal is to be more patience, with Katie, with Sarah and anyone else.

My song of the year (at least so far) is Middle Finger by Bohnes (Alex Deleon).

“Living like a riot, setting off the sirens, fists are clenched I’m fighting, soul has been ignited, ain’t got time for dying, I’m too busy thriving, more than just surviving, heart is beating violent.”

Living my life like the bridge of that song.




Living Louder: A Look Back on 2015

I named this post after one of my favorite The Cab songs. It’s the end of another year and it almost feels surreal. 

I was so excited for 2015 back in 2014. I was ready for new chapters of my life. 

“I’m excited about my spring semester and then starting my senior year. I’m ready to start getting ready for pharmacy school. I’m ready to let go of the bullshit and hang tight to the things that really matter. Music that makes my soul sing. A church that makes my heart whole. Friends that make me smile. A focus on studies that could rival a fighter pilot. Concerts, laughs, and new hope.”

I got some of these things though. I did. My spring semester was great. I relapsed but then stayed clean most of the summer. I got better at letting go of the bullshit. I fell even more in love with music. I started volunteering at my church. Friends? That’s up for debate. Studies, I found ways that worked for me.

Spring was amazing. Going to see Set It Off, then Of Mice and Men and Paramore for my birthday was probably one of the best things ever. I spent the summer learning for pharmacy school and nailed it on my PCAT. 

Then I started having issues with my friends. I lost my grandmother. It shook my family to the core. I failed physical chemistry. 

There were ups and downs, but overall, this year went well.

I laughed, I cried, I lived, I learned. 

I met new friends and reconnected with old. 

It was a good year and I’m excited to start the next. 

2016 here I come.