I think I’m going to just set an alarm to remind myself to write a post per week. I have a couple music ones as well. I’d started a music Tuesday, but they’ve moved the release date for CDs and stuff to Fridays now so I’m moving my reviews, etc. to Friday too. I’m really excited because there are some amazing albums coming out and then some that have been out that I want to talk about. I’ll do some of my favorites as well. It’s kind of like a getting to know me thing for you.
Classes are going well. Yes it’s a lot of work, but I have so much written in my planner that I’m not too terribly worried. I’m also starting to go to a small group from my church this week and I am worried about that. I pray that it will go well.
The main thing I really wanted to write about was Friday. It was a really shaky day and I’ve spent most of my long weekend thinking about it.
On my way to my 8am class, I was walking past our library and I saw a razor blade just laying on the sidewalk. For a very scary second, I thought about picking it up. I know that would be bad. I know if I had I wouldn’t be 77 days clean right now. When you have to go through the effort of finding a blade, it slows you down. For me, it slows me down enough to think about everything rationally, because I live in a dorm. I’d have to drive somewhere to buy a blade. Or mess up one of my actual razors. Neither of those are ever ideal for me.
So not having any blades significantly lessens my chances of cutting. Seeing that one nearly stopped me in my tracks, but I had to keep going. I had to act like I wasn’t trembling like a leaf in my first class.
It just shook me. A lot. I listened to Gold Steps on repeat and it helped a lot.
Then Sarah had a housewarming party, Friday night and it got really weird. I didn’t drink a lot because Sarah’s roommate’s friends made me uncomfortable so I knew I was going home.
Katie brags about holding her liquor, but she really was the one who asked me to go home. She didn’t get sick but she did get drunk. It was just all around bad. The topics of conversation kept circling around sexual things, which was just not my cup of tea obviously.
I was glad to go home.
It was just weird and I don’t want to repeat that again.
I also don’t want to get drunk with Sarah and Kate or be around them drunk now either.
I feel like that’s not something you say about people who are supposed to be your best friends, but it’s honest. I understand every one isn’t perfect but this was really- just bad.
It’ll be okay.
“You can throw me to the wolves. Tomorrow I will come back leader of the whole pack.”