Let Them In

I’m starting to learn that I need to calibrate a few things, both in my physical life and mentally. Like my car is almost at 150,000 miles. I probably need to get that checked out. My laptop has a crack at the top. I need to get that fixed too.

But also, my sense of time is definitely off (is it midnight already??), I need to calibrate that. My priorities are not always in line.

What’s been bothering me lately is my sense of self (for lack of better words?). Like when I talk with people (friends) and they are rude or condescending, my sensors don’t quite beep right away. It’s not until later that I realize, that hurt my feelings. It’s later when I realize that I’m still thinking about what they said to me. It’s later when I realize that it hurt me.

I don’t know how to tell Katie this. She constantly is bad talking religion and church, but claiming Christianity. She shuts me down every turn. I want to scream about it, because she is doing exactly what she blames others for doing. Taking the verses that she likes and ignoring the ones that she doesn’t.

I just pray. I can’t do anything else. I just can’t. I can not go through this friend thing again.

I pray that God will send someone into my life that wants to grow in Christ like me, that will go to church with me, that will hold me accountable. I just really don’t know how to handle this.

Sarah and I get along fine. My mom asked me who’d be in my wedding party if I got married tomorrow and I answered without a second thought, my sister and Sarah. Katie wasn’t included and not because we aren’t friends. We are. But she’s made it very clear that I’m not her best friend, so I’m not making her my top priority either.

Thanksgiving went amazingly well. My family behaved and everyone got along. My grandmother is doing better, but she’s still sick. I’m just glad she’s okay.

Finals are coming up and I’m worried sick. I haven’t cut in almost a week, but I didn’t even set my timer because I know that I will probably do it again.

I’m trying. I promise.

xoxo
J

 

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