The Ocean

I got really busy the past few weeks. My family came up so my sister could look at my school. She likes it and I’m excited for her. We’re four years apart so we won’t be in school together, but I’m glad she’s finding somewhere she likes.

I got to see Mayday Parade in Nashville on Wednesday and it made my day. I got to meet everyone and Tom (Tom Falcone the photographer) and Pvris, one of their opening bands. It was amazing and now I’m starting to see why I need more times like that in my life: time that I can just let loose and be free. Be happy. I’m so excited that I’ve found more bands to fall in love with. I’ve been listening to Tonight Alive and Pvris non-stop.

Pierce the Veil and Sleeping with Sirens was two nights ago and I’m still a little heartbroken that I didn’t go. I’m more pissed with myself because I should’ve just bought my ticket. I shouldn’t have waited on Katie, because I’m starting to see that she didn’t want this as much as me. Just like Wednesday. It’s okay. We’re trying to go in February, but honesty, I’m not putting too much stock in that.

It’ll be okay. There will be new albums and more touring and maybe Warped.

It’s a new thing for me to realize that I have to do things alone sometimes. I don’t always want to, but I need to. This weekend, it was just me. Katie and Sarah went home and I loved it. It was nice to just sit in my room by myself, listen to music, drive where ever, turn my music in my car up loud, and just be relaxed.

The bad is that I relapsed. Tuesday of this week I hit rock bottom. And by that I mean, I left my class at 10:30am, went back to the dorm, found the last pencil sharpener that I had and cut again. I threw 178 days down the drain. I laid in bed until almost 10pm that night and alternated between being upset, being numb, sleeping, and crying.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m not depressed enough to need help. But when it hits, it hits like a hurricane and I’m just destroyed by it. The sadness literally feels like it’s smothering me to death.

Church today was much needed. I got to really meet the ministry leaders for the first time since I started going there. It was like I belonged. I’m really glad I got a chance to do that and feel a little more at peace. I wasn’t going to find that with my friends.

 

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